Tuesday, July 23, 2024

The Casting Game

If we could allocate alternative jobs to some politicians, do you think they’d fare better than when running the affairs of their own nations? Some have a knack for certain professions, while others seem less endowed with innate talents and should seek alternative careers. Let us discover them together. Let us play the ‘Casting Game’ to distract ourselves from the ‘Hunger Games’ in which this sorry lot has forced us to take part.

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Vladimir Putin –He should go back to the KGB or FSB or whatever dark service that specializes in making people talk & disappear. This could leave someone more competent, or at least less incompetent, in charge of Russia. This nation deserves a break after 69 years of communism, and few decades of kleptocracy under the Oligarchs. Come to think about it, Putin does not really enjoy being a world politician, but he surely likes to be in control of the world. So, let’s give him the nick name ‘Control’ as in Le Carre’s spy novels and let us be done with it! No one will miss him, for sure, neither his family (does he have one?) nor his friends (he has none, or at least none still breathing).

Donald Trump –He should resume his Reality TV career. He’s obnoxious, brazen and uncouth. All necessary ingredients for a TV show host where reality is exaggerated, and truth is outdated. His hair could even inspire the show’s title: “Orange is Back”. He stopped being happy at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue as soon as he realized that he couldn’t lease the Rose Garden for Trump hotels’ weddings and outdoor parties. Trump’s smarter-child Ivanka, would pick up the mantle of politics, causing Hillary to commit suicide (a blessing if you ask me) and Kamala to be committed to an asylum (a national duty if you want to know).

Angela Merkel –She can be put in charge of the Berlin Zoo. And if the zoo life were to turn dull then, on her watch, she’d allow the entry of hundreds of illegal species. They would run amuck of zoo rules and regulations, enter prohibited zones, and endanger the lives of other animals, visitors and zookeepers. Attendance at the zoo will go on dwindling under her watch, just as did her popularity and her political party in recent times. Good riddance for humanity, and all the sympathy for zoon inmates, both legal and illegal.

Emmanuel Macron – Should not return to banking and never be allowed near the Elysée, again. We suggest he pursues a career in hair dressing (Haute Coiffure) or in fashion (Haute Couture) as his tall ego would not allow his small stature to work at jobs that do not command obvious heights, even if only in title.  Maybe we were too quick to dismiss his return to banking because that too could be dubbed as Haute Finance, no? Macron smiles a lot, is always perfectly attired, and talks without making too fine a point or leaving a lasting mark. Just like one’s hairdresser blabbering or a boutique attendant’s chatter. So, out from the French presidency and straight into the world of glamour and frou frou where he would be au naturel.

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Boris Jonson – Should replace Benny Hill in an updated version of the 50s to 80s TV show. He’s such a lookalike. The bouffon looking hair style is a slight distraction, but the clumsiness is pure Benny. He’s chubby, sartorially challenged, looks like he’s just got out of a pub. So, what are we waiting for? People should write a petition to the TV producers, to Benny’s fans, and to whomever it may concern (mainly worried Londoners) to push Boris out of the Premiership and into a Show Premiere, where we could see him chasing voluptuous blondes and tantalizing brunettes in the barns, on the fields, in the air and on the beaches. One thing for sure, he shall never surrender!

Ebrahim Raisi – Should work at one of Teheran’s prime butcher shop since his talents for extra-judicial killings are so well-documented and come highly recommended. So, why bother playing president when wielding a knife, or an axe or when tightening a noose around someone’s neck is one’s best traits? Raisi is reportedly a huge fan of construction cranes, not the innocent Lego specimens, but rather the very tall, real ones. As a murderous prodigy, he could dangle anything from them. An opponent, a student protestor, an innocent bystander, anything I tell you. He is known to be an equal opportunity slayer, so why bury such talents in a presidential function which is, for all purposes, ran by the representative of You-know-Who on Earth: Mini Me Khameini? Imagine the Steak Tartare that Raisi can cook or the Coq au Venom?

Any more casting suggestions? Please indulge …….


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